The prompt for Friday writings is
take a poem or story you wrote many years ago (preferably, one that wasn’t exactly awesome), and rewrite it.
It wasn't easy to do I choose the very first poem I ever wrote (2007). The second one is a bit different but I think has the same underlying message
Old poem
The Key
Find the key to your heart
Open it and see
What do you really want?
Who would you like to be?
Then find the key to change
Act like the person in your heart
At first it might feel awkward
but you are good at playing that part
Being you becomes so much fun
You don't have to act anymore
You found the key to success
which will open every door
New Poem
The key to living
Free your soul from the shadow of your mind
Let it dance among the stars
Drink from this well of truth
so the soft substance of your intrinsic power
will fill every vein in your body
Listen to its whispers of wisdom
Your soul knows your pain, your unmet needs
but underneath there is universal peace
It knows your strength for you to share
It calls you home to lead out what’s already there
When you align with your soul
the essence of your mind is enabled
to read the scriptures of the key to living
and puts it to music into a symphony called YOU
Wow! Reading the original, I thought, 'Hey, that's not real bad!' But the second version is so much moire musical, graceful and deep! It changes into a beautiful poem what was, after all, more of a homily – saying the same kind of thing, yes, but a very different level.
ReplyDelete(It seems a few of us chose to rewrite our very first poem!)
Hi Marja - you can see you've grown in your thought processes and ideas of the mind - lovely to read both - cheers Hilary
ReplyDeleteSome really lush word choices in the update. They definitely add a musicality to the piece as Rosemary said.
ReplyDeleteI like the first poem; it's simple and straightforward. It's about the key to heart and what we might find there.. The second poem, more sophisticated, is about the key to living. The process of living is a rather complicated one, involving soul , mind , needs and feelings.
ReplyDeleteI think I agree with DUTA. The second is very lyrical but the first is more concise. I'm drawn to that one.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed both versions, but love the precise language and direct tone of the rewrite. Such a powerful invitation...
ReplyDeleteI like the musicality of the words in your second poem, but I'd like to see it a bit more squeezed together like the first - But SO fun to see the beautiful progression of skill! Well done.
ReplyDeleteSo great to see how one grows and thinking expands and becomes more expressive. Love the opening two lines of the revised version.
ReplyDeleteTwo different styles, both very cool. I think of them as two different poems. I like the directness of your original poem and the romanticness of your second.
ReplyDeleteInteresting re-write. I like how you fleshed it out some more.
ReplyDeletei love both versions.
ReplyDeleteThe first is concise, putting the message across quickly. The rewrite gives the same message but in a more elegant way. It shows the author's growth as a writer.
From simple to beautiful like a tree that's blossomed!
ReplyDeleteLove, love the enhanced version ... great job!
ReplyDeleteBoth poems have much charm; I like them both. The second one shows more wisdom I think. You are very skillful with words and can bring feelings and music with them.
ReplyDeleteTalented person you are. Your ever first is simplicity at its best. The second shows you have matured and questioning life and its evolution
ReplyDeleteThe rewrite shows how much you have grown. Such a beautiful poem!
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