The prompt for Friday writings is
Old poem
The Key
Find the key to your heart
Open it and see
What do you
really want?
Who would you
like to be?
Then find the key
to change
Act like the
person in your heart
At first it might
feel awkward
but you are good
at playing that part
Being you becomes
so much fun
You don't have to
act anymore
You found the key
to success
which will open
every door
The Key to Living
Free your soul from the shadows of the mind.
Let it dance among the stars,
drink from the well of truth,
until the quiet strength within you
fills every vein with light.
Listen
your soul knows your pain, your unmet needs.
Yet beneath them rests a timeless peace.
It carries your strength, waiting to be shared.
It calls you home,
to awaken what was always there.
When you align with your soul,
the mind softens,
able to read the scriptures of the heart
and set them to music,
a symphony called You.
Wow! Reading the original, I thought, 'Hey, that's not real bad!' But the second version is so much moire musical, graceful and deep! It changes into a beautiful poem what was, after all, more of a homily – saying the same kind of thing, yes, but a very different level.
ReplyDelete(It seems a few of us chose to rewrite our very first poem!)
Hi Marja - you can see you've grown in your thought processes and ideas of the mind - lovely to read both - cheers Hilary
ReplyDeleteSome really lush word choices in the update. They definitely add a musicality to the piece as Rosemary said.
ReplyDeleteI like the first poem; it's simple and straightforward. It's about the key to heart and what we might find there.. The second poem, more sophisticated, is about the key to living. The process of living is a rather complicated one, involving soul , mind , needs and feelings.
ReplyDeleteI think I agree with DUTA. The second is very lyrical but the first is more concise. I'm drawn to that one.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed both versions, but love the precise language and direct tone of the rewrite. Such a powerful invitation...
ReplyDeleteI like the musicality of the words in your second poem, but I'd like to see it a bit more squeezed together like the first - But SO fun to see the beautiful progression of skill! Well done.
ReplyDeleteSo great to see how one grows and thinking expands and becomes more expressive. Love the opening two lines of the revised version.
ReplyDeleteTwo different styles, both very cool. I think of them as two different poems. I like the directness of your original poem and the romanticness of your second.
ReplyDeleteInteresting re-write. I like how you fleshed it out some more.
ReplyDeletei love both versions.
ReplyDeleteThe first is concise, putting the message across quickly. The rewrite gives the same message but in a more elegant way. It shows the author's growth as a writer.
From simple to beautiful like a tree that's blossomed!
ReplyDeleteLove, love the enhanced version ... great job!
ReplyDeleteBoth poems have much charm; I like them both. The second one shows more wisdom I think. You are very skillful with words and can bring feelings and music with them.
ReplyDeleteTalented person you are. Your ever first is simplicity at its best. The second shows you have matured and questioning life and its evolution
ReplyDeleteThe rewrite shows how much you have grown. Such a beautiful poem!
ReplyDelete